moved!

I officically decided to move my blog over to tumblr. So if you want to continue reading my blog, click here!

See you guys there! :D

Weddings & Friends

What a crazy day!? I attended my friend's baby shower in Corona, and then rushed home, change, get ready and head on over to my sister Es's wedding while dragging my poor daughter along. Fortunately she K.O. once I put her to bed when we got home. Poor baby.

I definitely have to thank my friend 2we for coming along to the wedding because without her I would have been miserable at the table I was sitting at. OH and definitely THANK YOU for listening to me whine. :D I will return the favor one day when you need me. :) Although we left a bit early; my daughter still had a huge meltdown on the way home. You're probably wondering where the hubby is. Well he's down in Pendleton on one of his weekend warrior training. I wish I took more pictures of the food, but I was kind of preoccupied.. with erm.. eating. :P If you have never been to an asian wedding, or should I say Vietnamese, can't speak for all asians, they typically serve an 8 course meal including appetizers, several main courses, and dessert at the reception.

2we and I go way back to middle school. We had a tumultuous friendship as we were growing up despite the fact that we were pretty darn close for a while. If I could go back, I don't think I would change a thing because our friendship, no matter how crappy it got sometimes, has made us into who we are today as a person. I'm probably still stubborn like I used to be, but I'd like to think it has mellowed out a little bit. If you're wondering, our friendship now isn't tumultuous at all. Actually it's a very nice balance in my life where I know there is someone that is one BBM away. I am truly thankful she is in my life. I know God placed her there for a reason. (Fist pump to the man upstairs.. and no I don't watch Jersey Shore)

Epiphany

As with all relationships, arguments are inevitable. There was a moment in my life when I thought arguments did not help a relationship. Hey, I was like 7 years old! I had so much to learn and still have so much to learn. Now I'm convinced that arguments strengthen relationships if resolved correctly with mutual understanding from both parties.

I've thought about whether I should write a post about my unflattering moments in our marriage, but I figured this one might help others if I wrote about it.

For a while now, my husband and I argued about the same thing once a month. The way the argument starts varies, but it typically always ended with up with us making up and me satisfied for the time being. That is until recently when we had the same argument again. I'm sure you're wondering what that "argument" is. I can't speak for other women, but for myself, for the longest time, I equated having a "meaningful" conversation with my husband to love or spending time together. If he and I were in the same room and he was watching television, I did not think it was the same because he wasn't "present". I didn't feel like I was spending time with him. He didn't understand why I was upset because we conversated, but I wasn't satisfied with our talks. He would end upset because he didn't understand, or knew how to make me happy or feel better. This time, I had an epiphany. He had said to me that he always loves me even if we're just sitting in silence whether we were watching television or not. He loves me regardless when I'm present or not. He loves me when we're in the car together, or when I'm in the kitchen cooking. His love, our love, does not have to equate to a "meaningful" conversation as I though it had to be. Our love simply is. We don't have to have to have "date nights" where we had to leave the house and watch a movie or go to dinner; our "date nights" can comprise of us enjoying each other's company when we're at the store purchasing items for our home, or daughter. Our "dates" can just be us connecting over a scene on a television show.

My view on what love is was so narrow and categorized that it made us miserable, but now my eyes have opened and I am able to see what love really is. Ladies and Gentlemen, that was my epiphany.

Connecting

This past Tuesday, I met up with my friend 2we for lunch at Cham Sut Gol for some good old korean bbq. I had a final the night before so I decided to indulge myself by eating out. Before I go on, the food was superb. Yummy in my tummy scrumpdiliumptious (my new word).

I enjoy going on "adventures" which can be anything as a trip to the grocery store, working out to a lunch with a friend(s). I love being outdoors which I find a bit ironic because I've never camped out in the wildnerness before with a tent and sleeping bag. Off of the tangent, it was nice to connect with a person one on one. People are immensely connected by electronics nowadays, and to have an actual conversation with a person without using your fingers to type what you want to say is refreshing. I have friends, and yet at times I feel so isolated and alone even when I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me. To be honest, there are days when I feel so depressed and lonely that I wonder if I'm manic depressive. People who know me personally know that I'm practically always happy and even silly if you catch me at the right moment. I go through highs and lows and it's physically exhausting at times. This is new to me; yes I've been down and out more than several times in my life, but this seems more exagerrated for a lack of better word. Maybe this is a such an eventful time in my life that I'm not used to the stronger variations of my emotions. Whatever it is, it feels like for the first time I'm actually "feeling" my emotions. Was I an apathetic person or was I in so much denial that I refused to let my "real" emotions shine through?

2we doesn't know this, but she made my day this past Tuesday. For once I felt like I'm not disconnected from the world. Thanks. :)

I'm contemplating on moving my blog to tumblr because it seems much easier to use, but I'm not quite sure yet. I've gotten used to using blogspot so I'm not too thrilled about relearning how to use a blog site. Any thoughts on this matter is much appreciated.

Another Achievement in the Garden

This afternoon, I finally had time to plant my strawberry plants. While I was placing them into their pots, I noticed that they had already begun to fruit as well. I was estatic! Gardening has become enjoyable to me. I am able to see the "fruits" (pun intended haha) of my labor after putting in the time and effort to nourish and maintain my garden.

It shows me if I apply myself, I can accomplish what I set out to do. I'm sure that statement makes me sound like a child. Sometimes I think I still am even though my age says otherwise. There is so much to learn and see and that is what I like about living in this world. My husband questioned bringing a child into a world he views that is destructive, cruel and unkind. Yes, there are parts of it that could be better and yes there are days when I feel like I may regret so for that moment, but at the end of the day I'm happy my daughter is here and is able to experience all the things life has to offer her.

I'm sure everyone says this about their own child/children, but seeing my daughter smile and laugh melts my heart. I feel like she's destined to do something great/special specifically set out by God. Anyways enough of gushing about my child, what's going on with everyone?

It's a TOMATO!!!

I recently bought a tomato plant from Home Depot 3-4 weeks ago. I am proud to say that it has begun to fruit!

See!!!!

I've never had a garden in my life; let alone plant anything and actually had it stay alive and blossom. As you can see (or should I say read), I'm uber excited about this. I got the "patio" tomato variety where it is essentially a "cherry" tomato. I just bought some strawberry plants a week ago that I still need to plant. I'll let you know how that goes. My goal, gardenwise, is to eventually grow a vegetable garden filled with mint, onions, garlic, lettuce, carrots and anything else I think I'll end up eating or using a lot of. I'm so excited!

Now if only I can channel this success in the garden to my workout regimen.

High School Regrets

I don't know what it is, but April, May, and June are the busiest months of my life it seems. Everything just piles up where it feels like I can barely keep my head above the water.

I've been trying to keep up with my posts because when I'm not blogging, there are a gazillion things on my mind about what I want to write. Unfortunately, those thoughts slip from my mind if I don't write them down immediately.

On a lighter note, I'm thinking about enrolling my daughter into a mommy and me swim class. I was lucky enough to grow up in an apartment complex with a swimming pool so I was able to teach myself to swim. I want my daughter to be able to swim and perhaps learn to enjoy it one day like I do. If I could, I would have a lane swimming pool in my backyard. Hopefully this time around my daughter would have proper swimming techniques instilled in her by her "future" instructors, unlike moi, who had no technique and had to learn it in college. There are some things I regret in high school besides me moving around 3 years out of my high school experience and not joining the swim team is one of them. I had familial obligations the first two years and I ended up working my 3rd year in high school. Although the work experience has helped me immensely in my "customer service" skills, I wished I would have done something in high school that I would have truly enjoyed.

Swimming for me is like running for some people; it clears my mind. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to jump in the pool and do some laps.

Insecurites

Wow. Has it really been a week since my last post?? I've been so busy with school and family life in general; I forgot to check in and write a post. Enough with my excuse and onward with my post. :)

As promised, this one is for you Jmharie. ;)

My husband and I got married 3 months after we met. Most people think it's crazy thing to do and I agree, but I just knew. We knew. (We are now in our 3rd year of marriage. Yay for us so far!) It's safe to say I was a bit insecure about his previous relationships. I don't know about everyone else, but I compare myself a lot. I measure my success by comparing myself with myself, or another person. Bad idea, I know. I hated it when my mom used to compare me with my friends so I don't know why I do it now. I should know better. Well my husband and I was in Long Beach with two of our friends at a cambodian/thai/chinese restaurant having a great time eating dinner when a tall thin female walked across the window which happens to be his ex-fiancee. It was my first time seeing her so I was in awe. There was no awkwardness because she continued walking; I don't think she saw us.

I just gave birth to my daughter 6 months ago so I'm in the postbaby workout mode trying to attain my prebaby weight at the least. I'm trying for my weight when I first met my husband. I have no qualms with his ex-fiancee; I'm just insecure about my body. I'm sure every woman at one time or another has had insecurities about their weight, or the way their body looks. I try my best everyday to love my body the way it is and understand that I'm still on the path to attain my goal, but sometimes a curveball just comes my way and I start to compare myself. It's hard for me because I used to be stick thin so when I started gaining weight; it was a bit hard to deal with. I'm not going to lie sometimes I have thoughts about becoming anorexic. I'm glad to report to you that although I think about it, I have never acted on it. I bbmed (blackberry messenger) my friend Jmahrie about my insecurity and she did an equivalent of a slap to my head with "OMG! YOU JUST HAD A BABY! It's going to take time. As long you're working toward it, you'll lose the weight." Then she went on of course with the personal details of her life which I will not share on here because it's her life and not mine. Occasionally I need that slap to the head and that's who I go to for my dose of reality. The last 5 lbs to my pre-baby weight won't come off so it's kind of upsetting to me because I've been trying to lose the last 5 since January. Oh it's April by the way. :-/ Any suggestions on how to kick it to the curb?

My Other Half

My husband is away at his monthly training with the Marine Corps this weekend. I stare at his side of the bed and it feels like a part of me is missing as corny as that may sound. As I lay here trying to go to sleep, memories from his last deployment to Iraq plague my mind. Several in particular stand out though.

During his last deployment, he was in the field (roaming the desert) 99.9% of the time. I was lucky if I was able to receive a letter/postcard once a month from him. Although he did try his best to call me twice a month with the satellite phone he had which had crappy reception by the way. I cherished every phone call I got from him because I had no other way to communicate with him except write him motomail (email that became printed letters) every night, but that didn't mean he got it the next day. For the most part. he would get 20 of my letters at the same time so there was some time that surpassed in between when it was written and when it was received. I remember one time I had missed his phone call because I was in class; he left a message which I listened to during break that ended up with me in tears. It wasn't bad news; it was just because I simply missed him, the sound of his voice brought me to tears. Near the end of his deployment, he was stationed at a base that had internet access. He was able to use his roommate's webcam to talk to me via yahoo messenger; he would let me talk my little heart out and he would listen everytime he was able to get on. Since his connection was s#$!@, the webcam was strictly for viewing purposes and we "talked" via chatting through the messenger. I used to wake up really early, or stay up really late to be able to chat with him since there is a approximately 15 hour difference in time. One time he had told me to go to sleep and wished me good night; I had left my messenger on per his request. When I woke up early that next morning, there were messages that he had written. I can't recall what he said exactly, but it was sweet for sure. I think lyrics to a song was part of it. It brought a smile to my face. Occasionally when he's away at his weekend training, I think about all the memories from that year. It was a bittersweet year for us. It was our first year of marriage and he was away.

I remember people who tried to understand what I was going through used to say when they asked me how long his deployment was. "Oh 7 months isn't so long." I know they mean the best, but that is the last thing you want to say to someone who is personally going through a deployment. Trust me. So please take note and do not try to console someone by saying the period of time isn't too long because to that person, it feels like an eternity especially at the beginning of the deployment. Until you are away from your loved one without a predictable timeline as to when you will be able to hear from them again, you don't really know what it's like. I'm not saying that I, or anyone else that has experience this, sit around and mope, I think we just prefer to be occupied with some other activity so we don't think about it.

Everytime that he isn't sleeping in the bed next to me, a part of me remembers the deployment and truly does miss him even though he is just away for the weekend, week, or night.

Grievance and Sincerity

Picture courtesy of the Orange County Register

I came across a picture of an old friend on facebook that ended up reminding me of a telephone conversation we had. It was during the summer of 2002 when I unexpectedly received a call from him. He was sobbing and had confided in me the death of his friend due to cancer. He had never mentioned this friend to me, or show any indication of being distraught either. I think it's pretty fair for me to say that I was caught off guard. Growing up, I lived a pretty sheltered life; I have only gone camping once and that was with my 5th grade class for science camp. I didn't go to Disneyland until I was 14. I didn't know what rebarb was until recently. I still have lots to learn about items that has to do with managing/beautifying a home. Everyday, I learn something that some other Asian-Americans may already know, but to me it's something brand new. The only time I was close to experience some type of grief was when my mother gave away our dog, Coffee, and I still remember that day very clearly. I did attend funerals of relatives and family's friends, but I had no connections with those people so I felt a bit disconnect from it all. At the time, I did not personally experience grief and I didn't know how to respond to my friend besides the generic "things will get better", "I'm sorry to hear that", and "you'll get through this", that moment has stuck with me all these years. I felt like I could have done more to be there for my friend.

Last year, an acquaintence I knew had passed away at the age of 34 due to heart problems, I attended his memorial at the local billards he used to work at, but I did not attend his funeral. Personally, I want to remember him as when I last saw him, not motionless in a casket. I was shocked when I heard about his passing, but I never cried which I find a bit odd because I do cry during those cheesy moments in drama/romantic comedy movies. I think as I got older and more deaths surround me; I begin to be able to relate in some way. I feel like I am now more able to better console a friend grieving for their loved one.

Recently in the news, there was a memorial service being held for the two marines that had passed away in Afghanistan. On the front page of the Orange County Register, there was a picture of the Sgt. Major Cottle's wife holding the folded flag with their daughter in her lap. It was a touching picture that evoked some emotions that I try not to think about especially if my husband is away on deployment. I can see myself in her shoes; I can see myself crying uncontrollably mourning the loss of my husband, my lover, my best friend. I can imagine all the thoughts that would run through my mind about our daughter; thoughts such as not being able to have a chance to spend quality father/daughter time together, to attend her recitals/games, to see her graduate from college and so forth. I feel for the Sgt. Major's wife. I am truly sorry that she has to experience a loss of a loved one. I say that with the utmost sincerity.

Family is where the heart is

I got my first dose as a mother of two today. My little brother, J, cooked dinner for the rest of the siblings at our older sister C's house. Es, the oldest of us all had asked me to bring our niece to the dinner which I don't mind doing except I was meeting up with my friend Nutter Butter at the District in Tustin beforehand. As I was driving down the 405 freeway, I was thinking about one of the blogs I read. Yes I read other blogs beside Wandering Chopsticks; I also read Cracking Up by Autumn Mcalpin. She is a mother of 4 locally based in Orange County that blogs about the funny experiences she has with her children. A mother of 4 all under the age of 7.. isn't that crazy?! I thought to myself how does she do it? How do other mothers of multiple siblings do it? I was already wanting to bang my head against the wall when my daughter, niece and I arrived to the District.

Nutter Butter greeted me in front of Panera. Although I did order food, I wasn't able to eat it because of my niece. I was able to get some conversation going with Nutter Butter, but it didn't really progress after 15 minutes because I was trying to keep this little toddler under control. I wished I had some type of paper and crayons to keep her attention, but alas it was not the case. I told her to use her "inside voice" and she said "no, let's go outside!". -_- Nonetheless, my brood and I left Nutter Butter to go to C's place for dinner.

J cooked some awesome Vietnamese Crepes a.k.a banh xeo. Great Job J! I had a nice time seeing all my siblings in one place; I'm sure they did too. Oh and J, I'm sure she'll say yes. ;)

My First

I am so proud of myself today. For as long as I can remember, I sucked at running. I mean really suck. My best time running a mile was over 15 minutes. Today, that all changed for me. If you recall my husband is a marine so he's used to running a numerous amount of miles and still be able to survive afterwards. I had just returned from my abs class and I didn't want to go to the gym and try to use a treadmill along with the other 5,000 people working out after work. I asked my husband to run a mile with me and he begrudgingly did so. I think it was the best thing that has ever happened to me... and maybe him too. ;) We started our run and usually 5-6 minutes in, I would stop, but not this time. I actually was surprised myself that I was able to keep up and endure for as long as I did. I think my husband was secretly impressed himself. I'm not going to lie; I ended up stopping twice, but only for a split second because my husband pushed me to continue running. Along the way he would remind when my breathing was starting to get panicky; he also gave me some pointers that I didn't know before such as unclenching my fists. I have always clenched my fists which most likely contributed to my decrease in stamina. I can actually say that I ran my best mile today. I have my husband to thank for that. :D

Awkward Situations

What makes for a socially awkward situation? Seems like I've been in the middle of the storm lately because today at the post office, I just witnessed another awkward moment from my perspective anyways. I was in line waiting to buy stamps when the woman before me had many questions about getting a passport. Apparently her husband took the day off to go get their passports done and he didn't like waiting and possibly being asked to leave because it was almost time for the passport office to close. They were pretty loud. It was pretty hard to try not to hear what they were saying since the rest of the post office was quiet. The post lady suggested that they go on the United States Postal Service website and look for locations that takes appointments. I'm actually trying to renew my passport and get passports for my husband and daughter so I've done my share of research. I'm a "helper" so naturally I want to give them useful information that I know to be correct. It's just hard for me to not say anything since it's not my business.

Later when I arrived to my pole dance class at Hidden Talents Fitness studio in Huntington Beach which offer a variety of classes such as Hip Hop, Chickboxing, Salsa and etc, there was a mother with her 2 daughters in the lobby. Her oldest daughter wanted to take a Go Go dance class since she was recently hired in LBC and I guess the mother had a 93488747328943288347 questions to ask my instructor for the last hour and a half before I got there. Poor Caitlin! Oh and of course I walk in with my pair of "stripper" heels and sat down on the couch next to her. I should have seen that one coming. LOL She asked Caitlin what the next class was. Caitlin answered a pole class and then I felt the mother's eyes look over at me. Then the words fell from her lips.. "Why do you take this class" as she already has a gazillion possible reasons why in her mind already. I told her because I enjoy it and it's a great workout. She then proceeded to point at my heels and said, "And you wear that?" "Yes.." I replied. Caitlin chimes in "It makes it easier to do the tricks we learn in class, don't you agree?" "Definitely." I answered. As with most misconceptions about pole dancing and the footwear that goes along with it, most people think that the heels are super heavy because the platform is huge and the heel is higher than most "normal " heels are, but it's actually very light. I think I can walk in my "stripper" heels a lot better than I do with regular heels. And no, I don't take this pole class because I want to be a stripper. It's purely for recreational/exercise purposes. You learn to do tricks with the pole and with all honesty, the tricks themselves doesn't make the stripper looks sexy, it's the floor work that she does along with it that enhances it. However, if you're only doing tricks like in the class, it's merely a fun way to work out in my eyes. Plus it's a great confidence booster!! Women of all shapes and sizes attend the class. I am definitely not the most flexible person nor graceful, but I can still do it. It's like taking an aerial tissu class, it's a variation of the art of dance. I hope to take it one day when I'm a bit more flexible. Anyways, back from that tangent, help me out here; is God testing me? Does he want me to intervene in some way? When is it okay to "butt" in and when is it not?? Any suggestions?

Spanking vs. Child Abuse

I think I was at least 4 years old when the "spanking" first started. My punishment for being disobedient was either kneeling on the carpet facing the wall for 15-30 minutes, or a slap to both hands with an abnormally long wooden chopstick . Either way it sucked; with kneeling I would get imprints of the carpet on my knee caps and the slap to the hands obviously was painful. One day I realized, I didn't get "spanked" anymore and I asked my mother if she noticed that. She said to me that once I reached the age of 10, she no longer spanked me because it wasn't "right" to "spank" an older child. I guess she thought it wouldn't be as effective as it used to be. I don't think the way she punished me would be called child abuse; I'm sure most of you would agree. I have met some people whose parents never used any physical punishment and instead commanded that they be obedient just by using their authorative voice. I would have definitely wished for the latter of course if I had the choice, but it was my mother's parenting style.

Spanking is a touchy subject among parents; some people swear it works and other people think it's cruel to even lay a finger on a child just once. There's a fine line between spanking your child to reinforce a rule and physically beating your child just because he/she irritates you. So what do you do when you witness a parent punishing their child/children? I ask because that happened to me today.

I was out running errands with my daughter when I saw this lady with her two sons approximately age 2 and 5 at the market. I returned to my car when I noticed that she was parked next to me. I was in my car trying to make a phone call to see if my mother in law wanted me to get lunch when I hear her yelling at her 5 years old son. The boy was crying and obviously afraid of his mother. She yelled at him to get into the car as she was putting her 2 years old son into the car seat, but before she buckled him in, she got even more furious and hit her other son which was in the seat still crying. From what I could see, he didn't say anything except cry. She proceeded to hit her son again, yelling at him to stop crying and that he was a disobedient child. Her toddler got out of his seat which ended up making her even more livid. She ended up hitting him too. What bothered me was that she didn't hit them in a "designated" area like my mother did; she was hitting them on the head and anywhere else she could reach. The look on her face looked more like an uncontrollable frustration, irritation type of anger. When she finally stopped hitting them; she realized that I had saw everything as I was starting to reverse my car to retrieve lunch. I think she was still so mad to really express the embarrasment/shame from having somebody witness her outrage even though it slightly showed on her face. I didn't know what to do. It wasn't my place to tell her to stop punishing her children, but I felt torn because I didn't like the way she was punishing her children. My mother never punished me in public physically; it was always reserved for home. I made a mental note of the color, make and model of her car and the first 4 of her license plate should I decide to call child services. I ended up not calling child services because I don't know if she does this regularly to her children and I also know what child services does to a family first hand. It's a very traumatic experience and I wouldn't want those children to have to go through that if this event happened to be the very first time her temper wasn't manageable. Although, I may be biased to think that this isn't the first time because I saw how she reacted when a man abruptly opened his car door and almost hit her. He apologized sincerely and she went on to make a remark about it without accepting the apology. From my perspective, she didn't seem really nice at all.

I'm glad my daughter isn't old enough to comprehend the event that took place today. I wouldn't know how to begin explaining to her what she may have seen. Being a first time mother, I'm not sure how I would punish my daughter. I think perhaps with the techniques frequently used on Supernanny taught by Jo Frost, but other than that, I don't plan on using physical punishment. I just hope my stern, authorative voice will do the trick when it's time to discipline her.

Adventure to San Gabriel Valley

I really should travel more often within California. I just had one of the best dim sum in my life at Lunasia in Alhambra. Dim sum places here in Orange County fail in comparison with Lunasia and that was my first time eating in Alhambra period. Wandering Chopstick had written a post about it and to tell you the truth, her pictures and post peaked my interest. I'm also a big fan of hers as you can tell. ^-^ I wanted to try some other restaurants, but my friends and I were tired after walking around the Santa Anita Mall to digest our food. I'm definitely returning to try more cuisines next time.

For some reason, the whole day seemed kind of blah. It wasn't exciting, nor boring; it was just normal. Not that normal is a bad thing, but it felt like emotions of any kind were absent. I don't know about you, but that felt wierd to me. Typically, at least once during any day, an emotion of some sort is expressed on my part, or my family's, but yesterday it was void of all that. I know I'm repetitive; my husband says I am all the time. It got me thinking, am I boring to be around? My two friends that I was with seemed to connect better than I do with both of them. Maybe there is some jealousy on my part, but I can't help but to feel like a freak of some sort. I'm sure everyone's probably thinking I should talk to my friends about it; Trust me, if something bothers me I do. I think I don't say anything to them about it because deep down I know why I may not connect so well like they do with one another. I have a family of my own, and neither of them do. My ability to spontaneously do things before I was pregnant are now hindered . I can't go to bars as often as they do, or go on mini adventures to LA or SD without having to consult my planner to see if either my husband, or a babysitter is available that day to watch my daughter. Not that I frequented bars that often either before she decided to grace us with her presence. I don't resent having my daughter at all. I just haven't figured how to adapt to this new environment my friendships are in. Of the few friendships I do have, I'm sure I'll figure it out somehow and someday.

Pursuing your dreams

After putting my daughter down for a nap, Harriet the Spy starring Michelle Trachtenberg came on the television. I started watching it when a childhood memory hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't believe I'm writing this because it's so embarrassing, but the truth must prevail in order to get an accurate assessment of what a silly girl I was. In the movie, Harriet had a notebook where she wrote about her classmates because Golly (played by Rosie O' Donnell), her nanny/friend, told her that if she wanted to be a writer that she should take notes, or rather write her thoughts down. As with any written word, they were soon read by her classmates which in turn made her into an outcast due to the contents of her notebook. Being inspired by the movie, I had my own notebook as well, just like Harriet, which ended up being read by my classmates. Gee, I wonder why I didn't see that coming. (I'm being sarcastic if you didn't know) Oh gosh, silly of me I know. I was a very foolish girl growing up. I actually started writing poems and short stories since I was in 2nd grade. Once I was able to read and write, I immersed myself into a world of fantasy that I created with my imagination. I believe that contributed to my awkward silliness as well as the absence of guidance of an adult after school hours. Yes, I was one of those latchkey children. I had way too much time to myself.

There was no doubt I wanted to be a writer/author of some sort and publish my work one day. Watching that movie for the first time solidified my desire to be a writer. It was my goal from that day forward to "hone" my writing skills. Now I know I am by far NOT a great writer like some people I have a pleasure to know and people that I don't know personally, but have been able to read their work. I remember the day so clearly in my head when my goal and dream of being a writer flew out the window. It was one evening after dinner where my mother and I had a conversation about what I thought would be a great career for my little sister. I thought she would be a great fashion designer, or hair stylist since she enjoyed creating clothing and hairstyles for her Barbie doll. My mother had asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I told her with great pride that I wanted to be an author. My mother then told me that I should think of another career instead. As a child, I was completely heartbroken; my own mother wouldn't even support me in my decision of becoming an author. Hurt, I asked her to explain her reasoning behind my suggested career change. She said that authors don't make much money and asked how would I support myself or my family if my work did not get published. I know that is certainly not the case now and that there are different areas I could have gone into whether it be journalism, or becoming an English teacher. Before you start hating on my mother, you have to understand that she is a 1st generation vietnamese immigrant working at that time at a grocery store to support 3 kids including myself. Our father had walked out on our family since I was 1 year old so we were definitely poor growing up. My mother was not lucky enough to get an education to enhance our living situation. With that said, in her perspective, a career should generate a sustainable amount of revenue where a person wouldn't have to live paycheck to paycheck. I tried to explain to her that I loved writing and that it wasn't about the money. I wanted to do something I enjoyed. She understood and didn't say anything afterwards. We both went to bed thereafter. I don't blame my mother for anything she said that night. Ultimately it was my choice to continue pursuing what I loved and I shouldn't let a person's comment sway my decision even if it belonged to my mother. Of course, I would have loved it if she supported me, but she decided to tell me what she thought was best for me, the non-sugar coated truth. For some years, I was angry at her for that moment we shared; it wasn't the expressive type of anger, more so of the bitterness type. Now that I've grown and matured psychologically, I'm not angry at her anymore and I don't blame her.

I'd like to say I'm in that profession right now, but I'm not. Maybe one day, I'll be able to publish a book or write an article. As for now I'm currently trying to achieve another milestone in my education, but we'll see how long that takes me. I know one thing is for sure, I won't give up hope and I won't stop trying to pursue the goals I set out for myself even if obstacles arise.

Peace

I just read an article by Michelle Ruiz for AOL news about the protesters at a fallen marine's funeral that has stirred up media attention. Boy, it has me fuming. The article stated that Westboro baptist group based in Kansas travels around the country and protest at fallen military members' funerals. What are they protesting? The fact that the U.S military accepts homosexuals to be part of the military. Yep, it's one of those extreme anti-gay religious groups. Don't get me started on the equality that I believe homosexuals deserve. That's a whole other post if I decide to write about it. As you can tell, I have no problems with homosexuals, bisexual, asexuals, transgender or any other type of sexual orientation. It's their life and they're not harming anyone unlike rapists, and murderers. I have nothing against religion. As a matter of fact I used to be a practicing catholic; I stopped for personal reasons. I just hate it when people take religion and use it as their basis to discriminate against others because the bible "said so". It was also the bible that said love thy neighbor, but I guess they're just selective-reading.

It infuriates me that these people picket at funerals of military members who have served our country so we can have our rights (including the first amendment that they are using to defend themselves), and not have to worry about a mortar being dropped on our local hospital, church, school, or even homes. They fight so we don't have to face our fears of dying in combat, or watch a fallen comrade turn into "pink mist" just so we can continue on with our daily lives not realizing what these military members sacrifice for all the luxuries we have. I'm not just talking about the expensive, materialistic items; I'm also talking about the intangible items like our sanity. My husband is a Marine and I am very proud of him. To think of the possibility of the group picketing at my husband's funeral if God forbid he had passed away during his last deployment; I wouldn't know what to feel or think. It saddens me that other families have had to experience Westboro picketing at their son/daughter's funeral. For goodness sakes, have Westboro no shame? I wonder how the members of the group would like it if any of us decided to picket at their loved ones funeral as they mourn their loss.

Everybody should be able to be laid to rest without having somebody else cause a commotion at their funeral. I think that's common courtesy. I hope the day I am laid to rest, whether it's raining or sunny, I can leave this world in peace.

What do you think?

Conversations vs. Confessions

This is my first time blogging so pardon the raw and unrefined caliber of my blog. I'm sure you may be wondering why I picked my blogging "name". I contemplated creating this blog because I want to use this as an outlet for me to express my inner thoughts, but not necessarily want the world to read. I'll elaborate on that a little while later. Why not paint, or draw you ask? First, I'm not artistically inclined and secondly, I enjoy writing. Why not write in a journal? I used to keep journals, but eventually I have to either throw it away or put it away in some place I won't find until 90348320943908239839 years later and end up throwing it away anyways. I would love to have conversations like these with my husband, and/or my friends, but the truth is, I can never express all that I want to say. I think way too much. My mind goes at a 10 x infinity rate of speed.

As I previously said, I was fickle about the idea of this blog because let's face it, these are my thoughts for strangers to read. Thoughts that can sometimes be sweet, ignorant, controversial, funny and everything in between. I soon realized I was thinking too small. Why make this blog a confessional and one-ended; why not view it as a forum-like venue where readers can interpret, analyze, and comment on my thoughts and perhaps help me figure out what it is that I'm trying to express. Hence the conversations part of my "name" and as for the banana, it was my childhood nickname, and I loved bananas when I was an infant first able to eat "solid" food according to my mother of course. I don't know how this blogging thing will work out, but thus far I foresee a nice therapeutic way for me to just "talk".